Flickering

I'm flickering on the edge. On the edge of insanity and creativity. Flickering. Like a lamp without oil. Mesmerizing my mind with my own thoughts and concepts. Ideas. My brain stays on and processes overtime trying to find a meaning for my madness but all I find is more jungle. Flickering lights. Moments. Where I think everything is clear and I'm content in my answer. My own answer I find contentment with. Only because I feel I need an answer, a box, a label. I need to understand in order to feel secure or to feel validated in my own thoughts. To feel at peace or to accept. Visions I threw out and thought were long gone were not and like a hard drive I can feel my minds memory.  Overcrowded. Thoughts and emotions left unfinished. Left abandoned and they bring unease and they bring anxieties when I lay down to shut off my brain. Distracting me in the daytime. So I work to undo the damage of my detachmentby becoming so engulfed in my emotions and my delusions. Not being able to tell the difference between my reality and inside confusions. I panic. Overthink. Flickering. Stuck between two worlds that never collide. They teeter between two extremes. My belief system is broken and everything is nothing and nothing is everything. I struggle with my lifes biggest pain. What does it mean? I search for it in everything. Every second every breath. Hoping to catch it exposed. In its moment of vulnerability. I hope to seize it and capture it. Meaning. But its tricky and wise. And every time I get close to that angel with horns she eludes me. When I have her cornered and the net in the air, she smiles and grins like she knows my next move. She humors me. That elusive fairy. Her trickery drives me to madness. With no truth to hold I ramble and I draw into myself to contemplate her existence. Is she in my head? Then I flicker. I know that she's real she haunts me everyday with her signs. What does she want from me?