untitled

Ill keep this short and bitter. I just got back from target. While I was waiting in line with my two items, mumbling under my breathe because the damn line was way too long… I stopped being a jerk for two seconds and noticed the man standing in front of me. His pants were dirty, his hair was a mess and he smelled like he hadn't showered since last year. He was waiting patiently in line holding a new shirt and a pair of blue jeans. My icy heart melted and I felt like the dickhead I was. His dirty backpack had a logo of a program I’m familiar with, a second chance program that helps youth and homeless get their lives back on track. I knew the new outfit was for some type of job interview. Something in my heart, that small little voice told me to buy them for him. I didn’t. Instead I stood there thinking of how I could even offer. Would I sound rude or would he feel judged or embarrassed if id offered? I waited the remainder of the time in line arm wrestling my own mind. I wanted to buy him the outfit, I just didn’t know how to offer. I watched as he quietly placed the jeans on the candy rack and handed the cashier only the shirt. I wanted to pick them up and say ill get them! Don’t worry about it. Or, hey do you still want these ill get them… but nothing came out of my mouth. I watched him hand the lady his money and walk away with his brand new shirt. I felt ridiculous as she scanned my 7 dollar dry shampoo and vitamins. I felt ridiculous when she smiled at me warmly and asked how my day was. I wanted her to say hi while coldly avoiding any eye contact like she had done to him right before me.

I left the store feeling like id missed an opportunity and thought how I would have felt if I had gone with my gut. No one else had seemed to notice. I’m the problem. Me and the rest of the world. I just wanted to share this and hopefully it will resonate. We’re human and it actually is our responsibility to help when we notice something or someone that needs it. 

For those wondering

I recently posted something on twitter I didn't think anyone would see, it went like this:

"Kali uchis is a light bulb and I pray for her everyday because I know what this world does to light bulbs."

For anyone who is confused by this, or is wondering what I meant, this is for you. At first I wasn't going to write anything because I figured that some people would instantly get it and others wouldn't, and that's okay. Thinking about it now, its kind of important. I used the word "light bulb" because it was as close as I could personally get at explaining it in a word. So let me try to explain this...

Certain people I believe, see things differently (or correctly) and I believe that Kali is one of them. Theres a lot of things that aren't right in the world right now and even though I'm pretty sure we all know it, not a lot of us are really doing our thing to change it. Everyone has a thing. Whatever you love, that's YOUR thing.

Certain people, especially some artist, musicians, writers and just people who live life differently in general are more sensitive and in tune with these things. They believe in dreams. Like actually. They fight everyday to be themselves and to express that. They deal with a lot of shit. The world isn't easy on dreamers, thinkers, doers or anyone with a strong mind who thinks for themselves. Thinking for yourself can actually get you into some trouble. Having ideas. Being yourself. Its not easy and I just really love and respect people who fight that struggle everyday. Especially the ones out there trying to inspire other people to do the same. I think that they are lights in this world. We need more. I've seen the story play out time and time again and so yes, I pray for Kali because that road is never easy but it is worth it.

Listen to Lauryn Hills "I get out." light bulb.

Watch Amy Winehouse interviews, where she's defiantly trying to be Herself. Light bulb.

Theres 100943084093 stories.

Lets change shit.

<3 Priscilla

Flickering

I'm flickering on the edge. On the edge of insanity and creativity. Flickering. Like a lamp without oil. Mesmerizing my mind with my own thoughts and concepts. Ideas. My brain stays on and processes overtime trying to find a meaning for my madness but all I find is more jungle. Flickering lights. Moments. Where I think everything is clear and I'm content in my answer. My own answer I find contentment with. Only because I feel I need an answer, a box, a label. I need to understand in order to feel secure or to feel validated in my own thoughts. To feel at peace or to accept. Visions I threw out and thought were long gone were not and like a hard drive I can feel my minds memory.  Overcrowded. Thoughts and emotions left unfinished. Left abandoned and they bring unease and they bring anxieties when I lay down to shut off my brain. Distracting me in the daytime. So I work to undo the damage of my detachmentby becoming so engulfed in my emotions and my delusions. Not being able to tell the difference between my reality and inside confusions. I panic. Overthink. Flickering. Stuck between two worlds that never collide. They teeter between two extremes. My belief system is broken and everything is nothing and nothing is everything. I struggle with my lifes biggest pain. What does it mean? I search for it in everything. Every second every breath. Hoping to catch it exposed. In its moment of vulnerability. I hope to seize it and capture it. Meaning. But its tricky and wise. And every time I get close to that angel with horns she eludes me. When I have her cornered and the net in the air, she smiles and grins like she knows my next move. She humors me. That elusive fairy. Her trickery drives me to madness. With no truth to hold I ramble and I draw into myself to contemplate her existence. Is she in my head? Then I flicker. I know that she's real she haunts me everyday with her signs. What does she want from me?